25.

I'll never be 25 again, this young, again.

This is not a birthday letter I'm writing to myself, to reflect on, many decades from now. No, that's not the purpose of this. This is to give insight.

Maybe this was perfect timing, but I've lost faith in us. My God has been dead to me for a while now, only a selfish, restlessly hopeful, and skeptical concept exists in my memory. Illusions and deceptions, much clearer to me.

I have faith in different things, fewer things. I have no choice.

I have faith the waters in the ocean will be there the following day. I have faith snow will always be cold to the touch. I have faith a bird will wake up with the urge to fly. I have faith a lion will always need to hunt.

I have faith that we can always do better. It's depressing.

Today I think about my college graduation, the day I got married, and the other moments in my life I deem significant - why does all this matter, what difference does it make? What gives anybody merit?

What is a college degree but a piece of paper? What is a marriage certificate but an agreement between two people? What is a job but a label of what you're currently doing in that moment in time? What does my faith say about the type of person I am? These do not define anything but what you let it.

The categories, the signs, the identifiers - all used to put us into a color-coded folder. How can we best be exploited? Hmm.

Does money give any one concept, any one person merit? I think that's it. If I have enough of it, I can get away with anything. Only then do we matter.

For example. On a smaller scale, it allows celebrities to cut the line at Disneyland. Maybe they'll be able to ride Space mountain before me. Oh well. On a larger scale, it grants a country the privilege to use weapons of mass destruction to decimate men, women, and children off the face of the earth - turning them into nothing but dust.

It's cool though. It's in the name of peace and freedom. My ass.

I’ll never be 25 again, but will I ever be this happy again? The bit of me that is, at least.

Should I ignore the pain and focus on my selfish pleasures in life? Should we stop paying our taxes and let the government punish us, or do we continue contributing to greed, to murder, to destruction?

How many children did my taxpayer dollars kill today? I think I hit a new high today, let’s see if I top it tomorrow.

What is the answer, and how do I stay just in this burning world?

Maybe that’s why nothing excites me as much anymore, why nothing truly piques my interest these days. I was not excited to graduate from university this year, or to plan something for my birthday, or to even try giving a fuck about Christmas. Nothing compares.

This has been year 25 for me.

This made me reflect a bit, about my grandmother. I wish I would not have been so naïve as to not take the moment to truly talk to my grandmother before she passed. I wish I had been old enough to truly talk to her about life, about love, about faith, about what she thought of the world. I wish I could pick her brain from the great beyond.

Off-putting imagery towards the end there, now that I think of it. Sorry bout that.

I think she'd have some pretty interesting things to say, with a hell of a lot more answers than we have here.

Would she let me know that everything is going to be alright, that God has a plan for us? Or would she let me know that we are just balls of energy that happened to run into each other at random points in space and time, beautiful accidents?

She loved her faith, so I would say she'd tell me about God if she had the chance right now. I think she'd tell me He has a plan for me, and that I should trust the process.

The truth is, we don't know. I don't know. I love her, but I don't trust shit.

Maybe, we're all just random pieces of floating matter, searching the universe for reason - doing the best we can. Some more than others.

You know what I have faith in, you know what gives me hope? Children.

Actually, Jesus Christ was the child that gave the whole world hope. At least, that’s how the story goes. I'll give Him that.

But what has He done for us lately? Nothin’.

Square up, J.

What is hope? I’ll tell you from my perspective.

I've been fortunate enough to see this first-hand - most recently, as I was wrapping up my student-teaching earlier this year. I was able to see these little kindergarteners grow some much in a short period of time, learning new concepts and interacting with the world in ways they hadn’t before and excited to do it all over again the following day. To do life.

After day one, this little girl asked if I can be her dad. Super sweet. Super weird. Super funny.

I guess I did something right that day.

Kids. They shouldn't be worried about being blown to dust by a bomb, torn to shreds by bullet, or worried about whether or not someone is going to show up for them. They should be thinking about giggling with their friends during play time, excited about what's for dinner that night, and what they will be when they finally grow up. All the good stuff.

That being said, do I want a child of my own right now? Probably not, maybe, I don't know. This world doesn't deserve them. It never will.

At my age, I'm barely creeping out of my adolescence - something I might even say in my 40's, 50's, or even 60’s.

I don’t know about my 70’s. I’m too lazy.

Actually, I'm going to live forever. Everlasting life, right?

I'm convinced we all stay young at heart, our bodies are just temporary vessels that give out on us, a lemon that craps out at a certain mileage, whether we like it or not.

To be honest, I'm convinced all of us are just playing pretend in this life - the best we can.

"I think I know what I'm doing."

"Is there an adult nearby - one who has been an adulting much longer than I have, even if it’s by a few minutes?”

"Actually, I'm fine."

“I got this, I think?”

You know what I'm talking about, right? I know you do.

"Fuck it." Another thing I find myself saying. It's the affirmation as old as time, that lets me know I made a well-educated and informed decision, knowing that I consulted every possible expert within the field, completely exhausting all the resources at my disposal.

I'm trying to find answers. For all of it. Maybe, I'm just wasting time, maybe we're wasting time. I don't know. 

We keep at it.

Cheers to trying to make a difference, in trying to be a light in this world. We can do better.

I didn't tell you this was going to be a happy read, so don’t you dare hold me accountable. You chose to read this shit. I thank you for that.

I'm just letting you know where I'm at.

25, no more. Where are you?